Feeling lonely

The first thing many people tell themselves is that the problem is them. That they are bad at relationships, boring, too complicated. It is rarely true, and it is almost always what stops them from taking the first step.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. You can live alone and feel very well surrounded. You can be married, have colleagues and neighbours, and still feel lonely. What is missing is not the number of contacts: it is having someone you can tell things to exactly as they are.

It rarely arrives all at once. It builds up through turning points that look harmless taken one by one: a move, retirement, a separation, children leaving home, a bereavement, an illness that limits your outings, a job that changes teams.

Each of those moments removes a handful of regular appointments from your week. Those appointments were what kept your ties standing, more than the great friendships. When they disappear, nothing dramatic happens right away, and that is precisely what makes it so hard to see coming.

An unfair mechanism adds to it: the longer loneliness lasts, the less you feel like going out. You decline one invitation, then two, eventually you are no longer invited, and you conclude that nobody is interested in you. That is the circle that needs breaking, and it breaks through very small gestures, not through a grand change of life.

Aim for regularity rather than intensity. Coffee every Tuesday with the same person builds more connection than one big party a year. The brain needs repetition to turn an acquaintance into a friend.

Go through an activity. Meeting to walk, play cards or garden together is far simpler than meeting to talk. The activity provides a subject, a beginning and an end, and it removes the pressure of having to fill the silence.

Accept that the first times will be a little stiff. Almost nobody is at ease at a first meeting with a stranger. It is not a sign that it will not work: it is simply part of the road.

Look close to home. Distance is the first killer of good intentions. Someone twenty minutes away on foot, you will see again. Someone at the other end of the country, you will not.

Talk to a professional if it weighs too much. When loneliness comes with sleep that unravels, tiredness that will not pass or dark thoughts, it is no longer a matter of diaries. A family doctor is a good starting point, and the numbers at the top of this page answer right away.

Stop Solitude does one thing: it connects you with people who live near you and are looking for the same thing you are, then lets you meet in real life. There are people, activities they propose, and conversations. Access is offered to you.

It is not a care service, not a listening line, not an emergency service. Nobody behind the screen is monitoring how you are doing. If you are going through a hard time, the numbers above exist for that, and they are staffed by people trained to listen.

How to meet people near you, concretely